President Thabo Mbeki says he had to get rid of Vusi Pikoli. “You can’t have a situation where people are working close together, and don’t get on, and don’t even talk to each other.” Mbeki added, “I’m married. I know all about this type of situation.”

Buddhist monks in Burma are catching on. It turns out the military junta can shoot them conveniently, because they all stand out in a crowd. Watch this space. They could be growing their hair soon, and wearing safari suits.

Paris Hilton is going to Rwanda soon, to make herself a better person, and to make a difference. Hilton says, “I can’t wait to meet Nelson Mandela.”

And in your finance - there is no finance today, out of respect for a public holiday somewhere in the world today.

Francois Steyn has been cleared of any wrong-doing. But there’s still a bite mark on the Tongan player’s hand. This can be explained – the Tongan bit his own hand. He didn’t want to admit it, because he was embarassed. It turns out that this Tongan has been a hand biter all his life, since he was a child.

After some intensive under-cover journalism, we’ve discovered who Vusi Pikoli is. He is the suspended head of a secret intelligence organisation. That’s all we can say at this stage.

The new tax forms are so difficult, that William Smith has been brought in to help out. So you can pass matric and stay out of court, all in one convenient show.

And in your finance – a bird in the hand will not help you with your tax form, but William Smith will. He just can’t fit on your hand.

Britney Spears has been charged with a Brit 'n Run (remember her hitting the parked car in the parking lot with her Merc? and then
flashing her u-know-what?) and driving without a valid license... and it's all on paparazzo tape, video n all, so Britters faces 6 months in the slammer... Last night Brit was in Santa Monica driving in circles in another parking lot, and almost hit yet another parked car while weaving through the paps. Miss BS needs a driver!

George Clooney and his latest squeeze, reality TV star Sarah Larson -- are still recovering from his motorcycle accident.. bandages, crutches n lots of luuurve were on the red carpet for the NY premiere of GC's latest movie "Michael Clayton."

"24"s Kiefer Sutherland faces five years in jail after violating his probation on this latest DUI... arrested after attending an LAPD
event at Area Nightclub! Gotta love it...

Paris Hilton's swapping spit with a Swedish pizza delivery boy! Hottie toy-boy Alex Vaggo hit the jackpot! He had been on holiday in
LA & staying in a cheapie hostel in Hollywood... picked up a pizza gig to get some extra cash, n picked up PH at a nightclub! Since
then Alex has quit his day job, and as Sias says, spends his nights IN the HILTON!

Posh-turned-Neo Nazi Victoria Beckham isn't just content with three kids, a soccer superstar hubby, an Ugly Betty cameo, forthcoming
Spice tour, AND being mentioned on the Gareth Cliff Show ... she's now signed up to star in a series of guest appearances with the
Pussycat Dolls! Meow!!!