Tue

BAFANA BAFANA COACH JOEL SANTANA SAYS HE'S GOING TO TALK TO BENNI McCARTHY.

HE JUST NEEDS TO WAIT FOR THE TRANSLATOR TO BE AVAILABLE.


SHILOH JOLIE-PITT TURNED TWO TODAY.

NAMIBIAN PRESIDENT HEFIKIPUNYE POHAMBA SENT HER A SMALL LOIN CLOTH AS A PRESENT.

BUT BRAD AND ANGELINA ARE USING IT FOR THEMSELVES, THEY''RE REALLY KINKY.


ZIMBABWEAN PRESIDENT ROBERT MUGABE HAS DESCRIBED MORGAN TSVANGIRAI AS A FROG.

BUT MUGABE MIGHT CROAK FIRST.


Wed

SPORTS MINSTER MAKENKESI STOFILE IS UNHAPPY WITH THE SLOW TRANSFORMATION IN SOUTH AFRICAN RUGBY.

THE PROBLEM CAN BE TRACED TO ONE FACTOR. SOME OF THE EX-RUGBY PLAYERS ARE IN RUGBY ADMINISTRATION. THEY TOOK A LOT OF TRAUMA TO THE HEAD IN THEIR PLAYING DAYS, SO EVERYTHING HAPPENS A BIT SLOW WITH THEM.


ARCHBISHOP EMERITUS DESMOND TUTU JUST NEVER LETS UP, HE'LL NEVER RETIRE, JUST FULL OF ENERGY.

TUTU ARRIVED IN THE GAZA STRIP FROM EGYPT YESTERDAY FOR TALKS WITH HAMAS.

BUT BEFORE HE LEFT EGYPT, TUTU FIXED UP THE SPHINX'S NOSE.


SHARON STONE SAYS THE EARTHQUAKE IN CHINA IS KARMA CATCHING UP TO THE CHINESE FOR THEIR TREATMENT OF TIBET.

STONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THIS.

EVER SINCE SHE FLASHED HER BEAVER, SHE CAN'T GET A PART IN ANY JANE AUSTEN MOVIE.


AND IN YOUR FINANCE – ARBISHOP EMERITUS BISHOP TUTU WAS OFFERED A FREE DUVET, IN ORDER TO HAVE A DUVET DAY.

HE REJECTED THE OFFER, AND WENT TO GO LIE DOWN JUST FOE FIVE MINUTES ON HIS STRAW MAT.


Thu

FORMER FIDENTIA BOSS, J. ARTHUR BROWN HAS APPEALED TO THE COURTS FOR PRIVATE ALONE TIME WITH HIS BOYFRIEND LYBURN VISSER.

OUR EXPERTS SAY THE COURT IS UNLIKELY TO ACCOMMODATE BROWN.


MOTORSPORT BOSS MAX MOSELY IS TAKING "THE NEWS OF THE WORLD TO COURT"

MOSELY DOESN'T DENY VISITING PROSTITUTES AND GETTING SPANKED.

BUT HE EMPHATICALLY DENIES THERE WERE ANY NAZI OVERTURES.

A SPOKESPERSON FROM "EVA BRAUN'S HOUSE OF PAIN" COULDN'T BE REACHED FOR COMMENT AT THIS STAGE.


THE CREW OF THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION'S ONLY TOILET IS BROKEN.

THE TOILET CAN'T BE FIXED, BECAUSE NASA BLEW THEIR MAINTENANCE BUDGET ON THAT MARS PROBE.

ZIMBABWEAN PRESIDENT ROBERT MUGABE HAS URGED ZIMBABWEANS LIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA TO COME BACK TO ZIMBABWE AND HE’LL GIVE THEM LAND.
“EXCEPT THOSE WHITE ONES OF COURSE, I NEED TO CLARIFY THAT.”


PRESIDENT THABO MBEKI HAS EVENTUALLY DISPLAYED SOME CONCERNS OVER THE XENOPHOBIC ATTACKS.
MBEKI COULDN’T HELP NOTICING HIS PET EGYPTIAN COBRA WAS MISSING. HIS RHODESIAN RIDGEBACK WOULDN’T COME OUT FROM UNDER HIS BED, AND LAST NIGHT’S MOROCCAN CHICKEN TANGIR WASN’T THAT GOOD.


CHELSEA OWNER ROMAN ABRAMOVITCH HAS DUMPED MANAGER AVRAM GRANT.
GRANT’S FATHER SAYS IT’S ALL HIS FAULT. HE NEVER TAUGHT HIS SON TO SMILE.


A NASA SPACE PROBE HAS LANDED ON THE NORTH POLE OF MARS.
BUT THERE WAS NOBODY THERE TO CONGRATULATE IT. JUST DAVID HASSELHOF, HAPPENED TO BE IN THE AREA.


AND IN YOUR FINANCE – MARS BOOKIE URK GRRR UNG HAS JUST MADE A FORTUNE. MOST PUNDITS IN MARS, THOUGHT THEY WERE ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE, UNTIL NASA’S SPCE PROBR ARRIVED.
URK ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING OUT THERE.

Senator Edward McCain has been woken up from his medically-induced coma to participate in the US elections again. His team wanted to keep him fresh. They feel the time is right now to bring McCain into the fore again, to criticise Barack Obama. Because they reckon it’s almost over for Clinton.

No Sex in the City. Two cities in Israel - Jerusalem and Petah Tikva - have banned the word “sex” from the “Sex and the City” promotional posters. So a lot of Israelis think “And The City” is coming soon to their theatres.

Harrison Ford says he doesn’t care what the critics say about his new Indiana Jones movie. At his age, as long as you can get out of bed in the morning, nothing else is important. “Doesn’t matter”.

And in your finance – Senator Edward McCain earned 8% on his money in the last two months, as he didn’t touch it, in his medically-induced coma.