Self Spanking Machine

If you quite enjoy a bit of spanking but are too shy to ask your partner (or if you can’t find one) this is the PERFECT contraption for you! This arrangement requires no external power source, just some rotation of the crank and your butt at the right place. Wind it up and kick yourself in the arse! 

(Invented by Joe W. Armstrong in 2001)

Recirculating Toilet

This “self-contained recirculating toilet system” attempts to filter out all the nasty stuff you want to flush away, to return (what would still be brown) water to the tank. Although possibly useful to places that are seriously in drought, you’ll get a lot more with a flourishing colony of bacteria. Not to mention the delightful smell...

(Invented by Thetlord Corporation in 1971)

Anti-Eating Facemask

This contraption will no doubt remind you of our much-‘loved’ Hannibal Lecter. But Lucy L. Barmby (in 1982) invented this little beauty a year before Thomas Harris created the character. Once worn, this device can be locked with a padlock preventing removal. Non-cannibal-prone uses include treatment of obesity. And as a defensive weapon during a zombie apocalypse. 

Sexual Armour

Masturbation is dirty, dirty, dirty. And in 1908, Ellen E. Perkins had had enough of teenage self-fondling and wanted to bring it to a permanent end! In the inventor’s own words, “It is a deplorable but well known fact that one of the most common causes of insanity, imbecility and feeble mindedness, especially in youth is due to masturbation or self abuse”. There’s a perforated plate at the front so any ‘self-abusers’ can still pee, but still blocks “all avenues of pleasure”. 

Child Birth Centrifuge

Childbirth has always been known to be a complex and dangerous process. This spinning, medieval centrifuge would see a woman tied in tightly, then rotated - much like the G-Force test done on astronauts. The centrifugal forces are supposed to the ease the delivery because, as the inventor puts it, modern women do not have the opportunity to develop the vaginal muscles needed to propel the baby out. Gee, thanks. 

(Invented by George and Charlotte Blonsky in 1963)