Since it all started for me and SB25 here, in the "halls" of BV, I have the immense need to share in our happiness on this platform. The place where it all began.

For those of you that are new to BV and the history that has been built and lived on this site, I will give a quick run down from my perspective, it will also give you a bit of insight as to how important a part BV (blogville) has played in my live, and various other lives.

I started blogging here back in 1996, having just gone through a bad patch in my life I gained loads of support and friends on this site. The people back then helped me through the worst of it and still today I have contact with most of them. I consider many of them brothers and or sisters. Together we have lived through bad time, even badder times and the best of times. All the while supporting, comforting and laughing with each other. For me this place holds a very special place in my life, cause it's here that I met my wife. In one of the worst times in my life she gave me support and helped me through a partial paralysis following a pretty nasty car accident.

What started back then as friendship grew into a love that I am certain today still I will give my life if it needs protection. This love culminated in marriage, three weddings to be precise. My wife (SB25) and I first went through the whole "legal" wedding at the department of home affairs, which was followed by a Hindu wedding, two days later the Christian wedding in Swaziland. That I thought was the proudest day in my life, how wrong was I. I didn't even realise at that point in time that today I will be sitting here and writing this blog feeling like the world is my oyster.

On the 17th at 13:49 my wife gave birth to a bouncing healthy baby girl weighing 3.29kg's and 49cm in length. That day has to be the proudest day I have yet experienced in my life. It's going to be hard to top this ever in my life. Zia Kylah would be the name of this bundle of joy that God has seen fit to grace our lives . For now though, I need to get back to staring our little miracle. I attach photo's in a few once I have uploaded them to photobucket or similar. And yes, I am biased when I say, she's the most adorable little girl in the whole world!

Every once in a while everyone has that special day that they would want to spend with those whom they love around them just having fun, or quietly sitting on the couch cuddling with a good movie. Today would be one of those days, mostly because it's my birthday.

Sadly though, the life and career choices I have made in the past has stopped me from doing that this year. Whilst in the past it's never really bothered me much, tonight it does to a huge extent. Sure there's been plenty of years where I celebrated my birthday far removed from those I love and hold dear and it's never really bothered me as much as it has today.

For the most part I am sure it's because I have always had people around me on birthday, even though most of the time it was co-workers I still had the company of people I got along with. Today however, the reality of it all and my decisions in the past hit home. It hit home really hard and harsh.

Strangely for most of the day it didn't bother me much, mostly due to the fact that I had more than enough paperwork and reports to keep me busy. Even the 140km drive from work in silence didn't make me dwell on the fact that I don't have loved ones close. The gentle hum of the tires on the tar road kept me entertained along with the irritating radio DJ on the station I was tuned to.

It only hit me when I walked into the house. Reality had been laying in wait in the corner of the lounge. Waiting for me to unlock the door, that's when it pounced. The realisation struck that I am alone, there's no-one in this house but me and the haunting reminder that my choices earlier on in life has brought me to this point. I have a loving and amazing wife expecting my daughter back home in Durban, a thought that has kept me going the past 4 weeks and some change.

Yet here I was, alone in an empty house with just my thoughts and a prepared meal that had to be nuked in the microwave. This also brought on feelings that I have been fighting for far to long now. A feeling of utter hate and loathing. I hate being here, I hate getting up at 05:30 in the morning, I hate starting the vehicle, I hate driving that road to the mine and I hate sitting there day in and day out while all I want is to be next to my wife.

I am glad to say though, these thoughts and feelings has brought around something positive. I am starting my job hunt back home with renewed vigour and determination. Should the book of my life have it written for me, I am hoping that when I leave this country in 9 days time it will be the last time for man many years that I have to see it with my naked eye. If not however, I will just have to keep at it until such time as I find suitable employment back home.

For now though, that's my birthday rant. Have a good one folks. 

Have you ever simply arrived at a point in your life where you sit and think "what am I doing here?" I have recently reached that point, I am sitting here looking after the health and safety of a group of people and can't for the life of me think why. Why am I here? What am I doing here? This is compounded by the fact that the one person who needs me, scratch that, I need is more than 2000km's away.

I've been trying to find the answer to the question for a few days now without success. There used to be a time that I enjoyed doing the work I do, traveling from country to country ensuring people are healthy and do their jobs safely now, it seems a distant foolish memory.

Life has changed for me, I have an amazing wife and my first child is due to be born in a little more than a month. This might compound me questioning myself and my line of work but it's not the cause. Everyday I wake up at 05:30, get in the company vehicle at 06:30 and head to work. A routine I have grown to loath, hate actually. Hate is a more fitting word.

While I am aware we can't have our bread buttered on both sides, and the good must be accompanied by the bad to balance life out. I don't think I have ever hated my work situation as much as I currently do. Might be the continuous and daily struggle to get basic shit sorted with little to no back up from the top. I don't really know and can't answer my question. For those that know me, you will understand how much it infuriates me not having the answers.

Ah well, sitting here moaning and bitching about something I can't change right now will probably be just as effective as pissing into the wind. For now, I will just have to grin and bear it. Nothing more I can do right now, hopefully things will have looked up next time I decide to put my finger on the keyboard to share my thoughts on here.